Hello my lovelies,
This is going to be a long one!
I have wanted to write a blog like this for a very long time. The problem is I never know how to write it or when the right time is, so I’m going to give it ago and hope for the best.
Bullying is not okay! It’s never okay. People don’t think when they’re bullying others how it actually makes the victim feel and what effect it’s having on them. They just think they are being funny or showing off in front of their friends. Throughout my whole school life I was bullied. Granted there wsd others who got bullied more than me and their stories will be 100 times worse than mine, but they may not want to share it with others. So I’m going to share my story with you all and what I witnessed whilst at school.
I’m going to share with you everything about my life growing up and how bullying has effected it. It’s funny, a couple of years ago someone said tthey couldn’t believe someone would ever bully me. I’m going to have a big head here, but sometimes it’s good to talk good about yourself in a good way. I’m the kindest person you can come across and I try to please everyone as best as I can. I will be friends with anyone, try to understand anyones actions and there aren’t very many people I struggle to get along with.
Kids will be kids and they will always tease others, but I was never just teased. I can remember people being just down right mean to me and others. It mainly started in middle school. As I said kids tease other kids so in first school I would just say it was teasing. Middle school was bullying. I didn’t have many friends, I was quiet and liked my own company so people saw me as an easy target. People I’d been friends with in first school just turned on me for no apparent reason. They would laugh at me and make comments on my appearance. Still to this day I don’t know what people were laughing at. If you bullied me for my appearance and you’re reading this, please let me know why! I can remember this guy loved cars and engines so much that he did a project on them, and everyone took the piss out of him and called him all sorts of names because of it. As I type this I’m thinking how bloody knowledgeable he actually was at around the age of 10 about cars. He knew all sorts and nobody understood his passion for them. Doing some research for this blog, I think he went on loving cars as his social media seems full of cars in one way or another.
The older I got and went through middle school the harder it got. A life changing rumor went round school that was not true and even if it was true the way I was treat was unforgivable. I told someone whom I thought was my friend with complete confidence about a situation that had happened to me, she then told other people who didn’t believe me and made something up between them. To cut a long story short, the rumor that went around was that I was a lesbian and that I had tried stuff with someone. This wasn’t the truth at all, I was too young to even know what was what. I can remember having to go home and Google the things they were calling me! I couldn’t even stick up for myself because I was still a child, not a child wanting to be a teenager. What made it worse was that the other girl who was apparently involved was meant to be another friend of mine, but as she was popular everyone believed her over me. I was about 6 when it first started and it didn’t end until I left middle school and I was about 13.
Middle school was shite. I had friends who were popular and I had friends who got bullied. I was in the middle and still got bullied, but some people would be lovely to me. One person in my group of friends was actually awful to me, and its took me until now it realise this. In year 8 (the last year of middle school) I was experimenting with styles. I could think of nothing worse than to be like everyone else and loved the gothic look. I can remember this person, whom I thought was my friend, brought two people who bullied me the most to my house. They were just down right awful to me and she just laughed. She never stuck up for me nor fought my corner! She then expected me to talk to her the next day. The same girl also told me I wasn’t pretty enough to be a model and that I was to fat. People don’t like fat people she told me. I should point out here that I was slimmer than she was…
Moving on to high school. If you guessed that it was just as bad as middle school, then you deserve a gold star! Once again with the fat comments. I don’t think people could insult me because I didn’t smell, have greasy hair or wear braces (the normal things for people to be picked on). I wasn’t even a nerd nor was I thick, just middle of the class. In lessons where I wasn’t with friends, the only people who would speak to me were others who got picked on. They were the only people who were kind to me in school along with my true friends, and I’m glad to say they were my friends too.
I went to a completely different high school from everyone else in the hope of a new start. Another person who was also bullied moved to my new school aswell. I can honestly say that high school is what has effected my self-esteem the most. I got called every name under the sun in high school. It was all going good until I stuck up for a friend who was being bullied in a P.E lesson, the bully switched to me after that. However, there were others who got worse than me, but trying to stick up for everyone is like fighting a war by yourself. I alone wouldn’t be enough, but if I could be nice to others then that’s one less bully. The girl I talked about who moved schools with me still got bullied as well, we were mostly in the same classes which was nice because we had each other. We still talk from time to time.
I think I would have enjoyed high school quite easily if it wasn’t for the bullying. In one of my recent Vlogs I said that I have a big problem eating in front of people or in certain places. Well, high school is the main reason for this. Yes there were people in middle school who called me fat and it probably was the seed to the flower of the issues I have now, but at high school I was more aware of the effects of this type of bullying. So even though I was a healthy size, people still called me fat and names similar. I started to skip meals, I wouldn’t take lunch to school but would tell my parents I ate there. Or I would bin a lot of my food. Then I wouldn’t eat much for my evening meal and started saying no to going out for meals. Before I knew it I wouldn’t eat for days at a time. What scares me is that no-one really noticed. I sorted myself out and began to eat again, however the bullying didn’t stop so I started to make myself sick. No one noticed, not close friends nor family, I kept it well hidden.
I also had really bad skin in school. I suffered with acne really bad and still do. This was something else for people to bully me about. I can remember someone asking me why my skin was so bad and joking about it. The worse this got the worse I got. I started self harming by cutting myself. Once again no one noticed. People were even mean about my boobs. I can remember like it was just yesterday. I was in French class and one of the lads said that my boobs weren’t big enough! At the time that crushed me. Now I just think to myself that I wasn’t put on this earth for my boobs to be suited to you and even if they were, you would have never of had a chance with me, and why were you looking you creep.
In the last year in school (before sixth form). I fell out with a very close friend. More people started to bully me as they picked sides and encouraged us to argue more. Thankfully we’re now friends again. During this time, I became friends with someone else who was getting picked on, mainly because people thought she was a lesbian. As I had already been through it, done it and got the t-shirt I thought she needed a friend to help her through this. And because of this I got called a lesbian for the second time. Go me! One day I snapped and I just though that enough was enough. In P.E the bullying just got too much and the girl told a teacher (who was actually a lesbian, so she took it personally). The bullies found out and decided “oh let’s be nice so we can get info about what was said”. I snapped, I shouted at them and for the first time I had stuck up for myself. As the end of year 11 approached prom was the subject so the bullying didn’t seem to bad. Plus I was hanging around with people who wouldn’t let it happen.
So to summarise, I was called fat and spotty and told I had no boobs everyday for several years. Unsurprisingly, this has effected my self esteem big time. It’s made me abuse my body and hate it. This is all because of people bullying me. I haven’t shared everything I have gone through as you would need months to read it.
All of this has effected me because I now don’t have any confidence, I have very low self esteem,anxiety, scars from cutting and issues with eating. I also have trust issues because I have trusted so many people and been hurt. I constantly feel like everyone is judging me and you can tell me an unlimited amount of times that I’m beautiful but I wont believe you. Being told something negative, being laughed at and judged day in and out has such a big effect that it pretty much takes over your whole life. You feel like you become what you’ve been told for all these years. Not everyone understands why I get anxious,why I hate my body so much or why I have scars. I can’t just flip a switch and my anxiety just goes or I love myself. I can’t just put make-up over my scars and they’ve gone forever.
As I have said a couple of times through this, I wasn’t bullied as much as some people I know. However, if this amount of bullying can effect me in this way, what has it done to the other people I went to school with? I wish I could ask them.
Please just think, if you know someone that’s being bullied, help them. If your bullying someone stop! Think would you like what your doing to someone happen to you. Bullying should be made a criminal offence.