Hello my lovelies,
This blog is going to be a little bit personal but I feel that writing it is going to help.
So by the end of this month, it will officially be 1 year since my… well…. little mental breakdown. So much has happened during the year, good and bad but I feel I may finally be heading in the right direction. I feel like I have learnt a lot about myself and changed myself for the better. Well, I hope so anyway.
This time last year
About a year ago I became severally depressed, the worst I have ever been. I couldn’t wake up without crying. I was putting a fake smile on for work and was lying to everyone. One day I just cracked and couldn’t face work that I was put on the sick. I was self-harming the worst I ever have and it was a daily thing. I loved the feeling I got from it as I felt it was something I had control over when really that is far from the truth. I even tried to commit suicide a couple of times because I felt I couldn’t cope with life anymore. I stopped eating and became obsessed with losing weight and then got diagnosed with body dysmorphia. I would look in the mirror and just see someone else to the real me. I was obsessed with my appearance and looking like everyone on Instagram and other social medias. I felt so alone in the world.
After 5-6 months, I realised the relationship I was in was unhealthy and it wasn’t helping with any of my issues. I thought enough is enough and ended a 8 and a half year relationship. I had just, had enough. Fighting for something that I didn’t want anymore, Something I wasn’t gaining anything from. I felt old before my time. My whole life was just so serious, I felt like I couldn’t have fun. With the break-up came me moving out of my house and back in with my parents. So I’ve lost my house and independence, but it’s resulted in me being so much happier and free.
I’m so much happier now because I feel I can finally be me. I’m not going to lie, it is still hard and I’ve come to understand that my depression is always going to be with me. It’s something that will never leave, but it doesn’t define me as a person. Instead of hating my scars from self-harming, I’m embracing them. I don’t want to be ashamed of what my depression and I myself have done to my body. Again I’m not going to lie, I have had wobbles lately where I have self -harmed again, but I accept that I need to stop it. As for my body dysmorphia, well I’m working on that. I’m growing each day to love my body with the help of the special people around me. I’m in a relationship with someone who just gets me. He has shown me so much in the little time we have known and been together. He shows me love in a way a girl should be shown. He supports and loves me for me. I couldn’t ask for anyone else, and wouldn’t want anyone else. He is my rock.
What I’ve learnt
- Straight off what I’ve learnt is that depression needs to be talked about and made more aware of a lot more.
- You should never be ashamed of any illness as it doesn’t define you.
- Don’t stay in a position thinking it’s going to get better when you deep down know it won’t. I clung on for so long thinking my relationship was going to sort itself out. I was just wasting my time.
- Positive thoughts really do help to make your life positive
- Stay away from negativity.
- Meditation is the best medication. Connecting with yourself and others.
- Yoga is the best was to stay fit and in tune with your body.
- Don’t let other’s mental age make you feel any older than your actual age.
- Life is short. Go for the things you would normally be scared to go for.
- Your in this body for a reason so love it. Your heart and soul are what matters not the home in lives in.
- People are going to look. Don’t be ashamed of your scars they don’t define you.
- Talking about how you feel is always better than bottling it up. Others can’t help if you don’t talk.
- You will lose friends but you will see who’s there for you.
- Not everyone will understand.
- Be with people who love you and you love.
There are probably more points to add to this, but I’ll be here all day writing them down and you’ll be here all day reading it.
Now that my life is getting back on track I feel I am able to blog more so will hopefully be delivering some good posts soon for you all.